The Following ….
On the third week of May 2008, I was rushing over to reach there with my colleague; a group from the other end was on the same pace too. No sooner we reached the junction our eyes met, for a moment we both stopped as if we were acquainted. I still remember the day; slowing down and sneaking her move, and she stepped ahead as if she didn’t know that I was following her. It was just a moment of minute and I started playing good-bad and some awful things. “Do I know her, was she looking at me as well, umm how did she look, holly S*** I should have given a short smile, damned”. Time to depart; had to move South-East where she disappeared towards North-West.
And this is how the ‘Following’ began.
Conversation at Ibas…
The following day, I asked my fellow colleague to move early, and we hit the place same time as the previous day. Alas either one of us were early or late, we couldn’t meet. The series continued for couple of days with no luck. One day when we changed the route and strode the other way, we found many colleagues on the way. Our pace deliberately slowed down and as we were moving further, all of a sudden, I sensed something as if someone was calling me. I turned around, “Oh God”, and there she was with the same group.
Fortunately, there was a lady I knew in the group. To my surprise, my hands started to tremble, mouth soaked and I could hardly speak a word at the moment. I needed something to speak; a drop of water could have been more than enough. But somehow I managed to talk to the lady that I knew, I joined the group saying “K Cha?” (How do you do?). We moved along. I let my fellow colleague to move ahead. We were about to reach and She spoke a word after a long talkfest. I was so keyed up to hear her voice; her voice has a deep penetration. I could see her face closely now as if I was listening to her. I could hardly recall what conversation we had. All I could remember was her cute little face, her eyes, and the voice. I was so happy the whole day, as if I achieved something (which made me less productive the whole day), and all I could imagine was her deep-penetrating voice. The series of joining the company everyday continued for couple of days and weeks.
And this is how the ‘Conversation’ began.
Commitment, Infatuation, Crush and Affair
How do you feel when you recall your first affair, first love and infatuation? If you’re still single then it would have been the precious moment of your life and you’ll never forget it. And if you’re taken, you’ll just remember the moment for a while with a short smile.
I remember the IMs and good night calls, funny text messages, some inspirational quotes, some experimental reactions, thoughts, gibberish write-ups and poems. Ah! Those were the best days of my life, makes me nostalgic. Every night: grabbing the cell for some good night texts before going to bed. And when there’s no flick, waiting till late hoping for a text to appear on my cell.
One day I proposed her through text, and she accepted in a different way. I was not sure of whether it was “Yes” or “No” or “I need some time to think”. The night was one of those sleepless nights, there were texts bombarding to and fro and finally we decided to stop the contribution to “NTC”.
The affair continued for some days, weeks and couple of months. Being first ever affair I was bit of nervous and confused and didn’t know the right way of dealing with girls. I use to be a shy and introvert guy, which is still in my blood, no matter how hard I try to improve. It was hard for me to express my feelings verbally; I could not confront and share my thoughts. The only way was to send text and show my feelings for her.
Maybe the reason she felt the lack of commitment.
Split, New Life, Stranger, Attitude and “Don’t cry over spilt milk”
It’s a long story, in short now we are split and we’ve started a new life. The only way to share the feelings and thoughts are through the IM’s Status/Personal message and Facebook status. We’re strangers now. There were times when we accidentally met on the way, but we walk through as a stranger in a blushed face. I didn’t know and I don’t know yet, if she wanted that way or not, but her behavior portrayed so and thought not to ask her ‘WHY?’ We all have a distinct attitude on self. Might be the reason why I don’t want to speak to her anymore after all which could have caused for her not to come near me. Nevertheless, we are a Stranger. At times I feel like to talk to her, share my feelings and start a new relationship as a friend. Many times I get haunted by her presence in different places and in different circumstances and this is how I have been living.
Life goes on and we need to move on so
“Don’t cry over spilt milk”.
Realization, Forgiveness, Adulthood and Instinct
She asked for forgiveness but there was nothing to forgive. She finally asked to forget; now I’m trying to do so. Four years gone by and the story is still in my head ticking every day. I try to forget but my instincts don’t let me. We learn from mistakes, and if we have not made any mistakes then we have not tried anything new. I learnt a lot from mistakes – this would be my life’s big lesson.
Now the most difficult part is to see her in other person’s arm. The day will be one of the most challenging and hardest of my life and it is coming near; in days now.
Now I only wish to see her HAPPY in life’s journey. To end with I pray to God “Don’t allow me to see her anyway, anywhere – accidentally or intentionally”.